So, I've been writing lately. What else is new, right? But this time, it's not my usual subject matter, I've been writing a story with a darker feel to it. It has been pratically forcing me to evaluate a different part of me. A part in which I am usually successful in pushing into the dark recesses of my mind and keeping it there. That wanting to feel attractive and desireable. Unchecked, that desire has fueled some poor decision making and made me into a hypocrite, something I try very hard to avoid. This is a major reason why I choose not to have an actual relationship. It it my intention that I should only engage in one if I have proven to myself that I have iron control over these...urges, for lack of a better word.
I like though, that through my story I can explore all these things through Autum (the character) and her relationship (if you can call it that) with Jonah. I enjoy writing the duality of the character, the face she puts on for the public and then her wild self, that only comes out behind closed doors. Jonah is her drug, her unhealthy addiction. She doesn't love him, she uses him to numb herself and to feel something that involves only sensation, no thought. Jonah isn't without fault either, he uses Autum just as much, to escape for a few moments from the monotony of real life, (and his girlfriend *ahem*) It doesn't get particularly graphic, the object isn't to produce smut. It's to explore Autum's use of sex in place of drugs, her desperate need for acceptance, and the lack of self-worth and value she places on herself.
I think all girls feel somewhat like her from time to time. And if you haven't then ask yourself, honestly, haven't you ever manipulated a situation, yourself, or a person so that they'd respond to you or notice you? See. If you haven't then I am truly impressed, even if I doubt your word. So yeah, I wanted to get this all out, and now I have so signing out and off. Untill later.